Weekly planning guide

I have somehow developed a Weekly planning guide that really works for me. It’s simple, quick, and yet holistic. In short, it’s much more than a list of tasks to do, and has been a boon and a comfort to me in difficult times recently.

It evolved from a need to get a lot done, but also from a need to make sure what I was doing mattered.

Because being busy isn’t the point of life. I’m not 100% sure there is any point in life beyond the meaning we give it, and I certainly didn’t want my life’s meaning to amount to a bunch of balled up to do lists, or my kids to remember me after I’m gone as merely an efficient taskmaster.

And there’s also how I wanted to feel whilst living my life. I’m the one who has to live it, so I better make sure it feels good to me. And what feels good can vary from week to week: sometimes I crave silence, stillness, peace, and other times I want fun and joy and excitement. Continue reading “Weekly planning guide”

Tips for coping when a loved one is depressed

Many of us will experience depression in our lifetimes. And it sucks. I’ve been there myself.

And many more of us will not only experience it ourselves, but will experience living with or loving someone who is anxious or depressed. I’ve been there, too.

So I wanted to write a blog, not about overcoming depression yourself, but to help you if you, like me, find yourself struggling to deal with the fallout from another person’s depression.

Because ultimately, the person dealing with depression will need to find their way out, and there are few things more frustrating than watching helplessly as someone you love suffers.

This frustration can lead you to try to help, to end their suffering as quickly as possible.

It can appear in your life as anger for their apparent unwillingness or inability to help themselves.

It can show up as added stress while you try to shoulder more and more of the burden of life to protect them, or simply because their depression makes being productive and helpful difficult for them.

So it’s frustrating for you, and you also need care and attention. So this post is not about them. It’s for you. Continue reading “Tips for coping when a loved one is depressed”

The Overwhelm

We’ve all been there. Or at least I hope we’ve all been there so it isn’t just me.

You’ve got deadlines piling up at work faster than you can finish them regardless of the effort and hours you’re putting in…

There’s a seemingly never ending list of admin things to do at home that you never seem able to find time to do…

Despite your best efforts at timekeeping you find it’s the kids’ bedtimes what feels like five minutes after you get home (“where did the evening go?” you ask yourself as you’re trying to gently but firmly get your kid out of the bath, teeth brushed, and bedtime stories read so he isn’t too late along asleep)…

The Overwhelm.

I had a serious case of it last week. But I’m pleased to say that I think I broke the back of it, and this week is going much more smoothly – even with a couple of illnesses in the family scuppering plans for the week.

Here are some of the things that I’ve learned along the way that really helped me last week, and I hope will help you next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by it all.

Identify the main triggers

Whilst by its nature overwhelm is often the feeling of lots of things adding up, sometimes there are a few big triggers for feeling this way (as opposed to your run-of-the-mill busy-and-slightly-stressed feelings).

For me last week, I realised it was work, money, and home routines. Sure, other things contributed, but as I reflected on this (on my commute – no fancy break to reflect on this all so do it when you can!), I was sure that if I felt more in control of my spiralling workload and my money, and if I could ease the pre- and post-work hours at home, I’d feel everything else was much more manageable.

Which leads me to my next helper…

Identify the simple steps

A simple step is something really straightforward that doesn’t take a huge amount of time and you have and know everything you need to be able to do it.

So instead of, “finish X piece of work” for my work stress, it might be, “send this email to this person.” Simple, simple, simple.

I set myself five simple steps. Really simple steps.

One, for example, was to put my out of office on my emails so I could get my head down and do a key piece of work that needed focus and time. That was it – put out of office on – but it meant I knew exactly what to do immediately upon sitting down at my desk that morning.

The simplest steps (putting out of office on, diarising time to do certain pieces of work) made way for the bigger things (shortlist the 60-odd applications for a vacancy in my team at work, finish budget planning and forecasting).

The result? I actually got everything done that I really needed to do. Which ended up being a godsend this week when I had to take a day of sick leave myself and another day of leave to look after my toddler, who is home from nursery for two days following a tummy bug.

Celebrate successes

It’s easy to skip this, but I found it hugely helpful to take a minute on the train to celebrate what’s gone well, and particularly what I have done well.

Why does it matter?

Well, for starters, it chips away rather significantly at that feeling of overwhelm. Overwhelm shrinks away from the bright light of Accomplishment, so taking a minute to feel those accomplishments and let that light shine helped me feel I could handle everything still left to do.

Secondly, I was able to identify the things I did that worked well, to repeat with the next day’s battle with the to do list. So for example, realising how well it worked for me to turn off email and knock out big chunks of work, I can decide to do this again (judiciously) in the future.

Thirdly, celebrating success helps combat the dreaded imposter syndrome, which in turn reduces the unreasonable expectations we set for ourselves.

Think about it – quite often we set really high expectations for ourselves as a way to overcome the ways we feel not good enough.

So if I feel like not a good enough manager, I respond by trying to get Herculean amounts of work done to a high standard; then no one can know what a fraud I am.

Or if I’m not a “good enough” mother, I can fool others from realising this by signing my kid up for all kinds of activities and making sure he’s immaculately dressed for school with award-worthy homework completed every night.

But when I can see that I am good enough, just as I am, I can be far more compassionate to myself and reasonable in my expectations.

This week, that has meant telling a colleague quite honestly that I wouldn’t be able to look at something until next week. It meant postponing some work that I wanted to do sooner, but which actually could wait a week or two. The urge to overperform is still there, but I haven’t felt like I absolutely had to do everything immediately, as my performance is less linked to my worth.

Ride it out

The last thing I’d like to leave you with is this: ride it out.

The wave of overwhelm can make you feel like you’re drowning, so it can help to remember that you aren’t drowning. You’ll be fine. This page in your life will eventually turn to the next page. There will be busy and overwhelming times again but there will also be calmer times. How you’re feeling right now is not permanent.

Identifying the triggers so you can take simple steps to address the root causes of your overwhelm, and then celebrating your successes and realising you don’t have anything to prove – you are enough, just as you are – will help you regain a little more sense of control, so you can ride out the storm until the sun starts to break through the cloud again.

Which it will.

Mindfulness off the cushion

The turning point for me in my mindfulness journey actually happened outside of traditional meditation.

I had managed to get into a fairly consistent meditation practice, and I felt amazingly light and clear-headed after each meditation, but it seemed like in no time at all, I became cluttered and frantic.

Then I discovered being mindful in my daily life off the cushion.

What does it look like? Quite simple, actually. It means doing one thing at a time. Being curious. Focus.

And in doing so, you can really get into the flow of whatever it is you are doing, immerse yourself in it. As a result, you tend to do a better, more thorough job of whatever you’re doing, from hanging shelves to listening to your partner talk about his or her day.

It’s simple, but not always easy.

This morning, for instance, I started with about four or five tabs open in my browser. One for this website, another for facebook, a third for instructions on how to do something, and a fourth for another website I’m working on.

Erm, could I possibly use all four pages at once? No.

To add to the visual clutter, as I started to sit down to write this blog, I started thinking about all the things I’m not doing that maybe I should be doing instead: I have an assignment due that I haven’t really started. I need to listen to some of my recorded coaching sessions as part of my reflective practice. The kitchen floor could use a good sweep, too, as I have crumbs stuck to my bare feet.

Doing one thing at a time can feel like a waste of time. The irony is, you probably will end up getting more done to a better standard than if you try to do everything at once.

How to make that change, though? It’s a hard habit to change. Here are some tips that can help.

1. Unleash your curiosity.

Being curious can be a built-in way to be mindful. Think of a child’s innate curiosity – what are those people doing? Why is the sky blue? Where is the aeroplane going? Why do we say ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes? What was that sound?

We tend to shed this wide-eyed curiosity after having been around the block a couple of times. But that doesn’t mean that inner child isn’t there ready to ask questions and explore the world.

I have found that the more I encourage myself to feel curious, the more curious I feel. It’s like a muscle. It means I’m more interested in other people as I’m naturally more curious about their lives and opinions. I’m more interested in processes at work (even the really boring sounding ones). I am more engaged in my coaching practice as I don’t assume anything about my clients and instead find myself stepping through the looking glass with them into deeper and deeper levels of understanding.

I genuinely think it makes me a better conversationalist (people find the interest in their lives flattering), a better worker (I’m asking vital questions and improving things more readily because I’m paying attention), and a better coach.

So really engage in whatever you’re doing. Explore it. Be curious. Immerse yourself in it. That’s mindfulness.

The issue with curiosity can come up when you’re curious about lots of different things at once, or there always seems to be something that can drag you from what you’re doing, until you find yourself flitting from one thing to the next, which segues nicely to…

2. Only do one thing at a time.

Because the human brain works sequentially, effective multitasking is a misnomer and a myth. You’re actually switching back and forth between one task at a time, and losing energy and time each time you switch.

multitasking

So if you’re on the phone at work and catch yourself replying to an email at the same time, you’re not really concentrating on what you’re typing and you’re not really paying complete attention to the person on the other end of the line.

But picture how it plays out when you approach it mindfully. Be on the phone, be a full part of that conversation. Put the phone down, and then start replying to the email. When I first tried it, work felt delightfully airy, light, calm.

What’s more, I found I did more, not less, and to a higher standard. Knowing that as well, and having better recall of the conversations, meetings, emails, and tasks I accomplished also boosted my confidence, as I felt I had more of a handle on what has been happening.

3. Be realistic.

One of the challenges to working or being mindful in day-to-day life is it is so tempting to pack in too much to do.

I have seen some of my own to do lists, which feels like setting myself up for failure:

Okay, I’ll brainstorm a blog while I wait for the bus with my son, then after I drop him at nursery I’ll do some coursework and balance my bank account on the train, and at work I’ll finish that report, have three meetings, write up the project brief for that other project, and maybe draft some questions for that research project. Oh, and reply to emails and anything else that comes up during the day...”

The problem with being unrealistic about what we can achieve in a day is a) it requires that time doubles up because there is just too much to squeeze into 24 hours otherwise; b) we may start to panic the moment something comes up or we slip behind on my to do list because our ambitious list allows no give; and c) we can work bloody hard to accomplish a lot and still feel like failures.

So be realistic. Be gentle with yourself. Celebrate what you do get done.

4. Savour

Savouring is related to curiosity, and a powerful way to appreciate the here and now.

For instance, I found that by being really mindful and savouring my walks to the bus stop with my son in the mornings, what was once a harried, stressful race to tick off my list has become one of the calmest, happiest spots in my day. We talk and tell stories. I feel his little pudgy hand in mine and notice the softness of his skin. We comment on what’s in the window of the BHF charity shop on the high street.

He’s happier in the mornings. I feel like I get more time with him during the working week.

And you know what? We leave the house at the same time we used to and tend to catch the same bus.

I don’t think I was saving any time. I was just wasting the time we had together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Returning to workforce

As I write this, I have just wrapped up my first week back at work after a year’s maternity leave with my second (and last) baby.

And it’s been great.

It’s been great seeing my colleagues and getting myself reacquainted with all the work that’s happening. It’s been great being myself again, and actually having time by myself on the train or on my lunch break. Even having some time to focus on work without also keeping an eye on the kids so the baby doesn’t eat a book (a real possibility) has felt like a luxury.

It’s also been great seeing my 5-year-old excited about going to the childminder’s after school and playing with other children, eating new foods, and then buzzing about his day as we walk home together. It’s been great seeing my one-year-old bonding with other babies and the staff at his nursery, and then coming to pick him up and give him loads of kisses and cuddles, all the sweeter for the time we spent apart.

And I’ve thought, “This is how a return to work should be.”

But it is a million miles away from my first return to work, which was a disaster that marked the beginning of one of my unhappiest periods of work life.

So what’s made the difference? There’s some luck involved, but there’s also a few things I can’t help but think have made the difference between miserably job hunting after work and looking forward to Monday. Continue reading “Returning to workforce”

When the world is getting you down

I have seen a lot of people suffering lately.

The rise in ultra-conservative politics. Deep division in our societies over what feel like key issues. Hurtful actions and language towards women. People rising to positions of power that fill some people with a sense of fear, injustice, or powerlessness.

We consume the news like an addict, looking for relief from the very thing that troubles us.

So I wanted to write a post in the hopes it provides some balm, some inspiration, for responsible self-care. Continue reading “When the world is getting you down”

Eco-friendly tip: reuse peanut butter jars

While a lot of this site is about coaching, self-coaching, mindset, and perspective, sometimes it helps to get a really practical tip or a nutritious recipe. So here’s one of the super practical tips I’ve discovered: reusing old jars. Continue reading “Eco-friendly tip: reuse peanut butter jars”